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Manhattan No-Man’s Land Sends False Messages

by Holland Runnels

Author’s Disclaimer ** We have been asked to post this story by the South New York Federal Bureau of Investigation. We do however fully support its contents.

If you have received a message from a loved one asking you to rescue them from Manhattan DO NOT RESPOND. THIS IS A HOAX.

Many such messages have been sent out in these past months, by email, letter, or phone call. Each message purports to be from a lost loved one. Each one is asking for help escaping the No-Man’s-Land of Manhattan.

Though it saddens us to report, these messages are not from your loved ones. They are from a terrorist group, The Knickerbockers, who reportedly, have the entire island under their control.

The Knickerbockers (so named for the lost professional basketball*** team of New York) have been compiling dossiers on many deceased Manhattan citizens, allowing them to create the believable false messages bereaved family members have been receiving.

The goal behind this cruel and cowardly act can only be guessed at. The FBI’s official stance is the Knickerbockers are running low on supplies, and this is their only way of procuring anything from the outside world. We here at Nightcap News believe there is something else afoot. What small amount of food these desperate souls are able to sneak over the Hudson would not be enough to feed more than two people.

No, there must be another reason for this trickery. I can think of several that I find too unappetizing to print here.

Whatever their goal, it is sad to see another of Old America’s great cities sink ever deeper into darkness, following in the footsteps of Los Angeles, and Chicago. Chicago was vaporized, Los Angeles became the home of an unspeakable monster, and New York… well, it seems that New York is home to its own kind of monsters now.

*** For kids who don’t know what basketball is, go look it up. That’s what the internet is for.

R.I.P to the H.R.P.

by Alyssa Myerly

Today we bid adieu to one of the most head scratching organizations in modern times. That’s right folks, The Human Reclamation Project is no more, and fortunately for us, the reason for its demise is a bit more understandable than why they existed in the first place.

Founded by anthropologist Taylor Browning in 2006, the HRP’s stated goal was to resist the world Beca Orlofsky created. To return to the way things were. To bring back our humanity.

The sentiment was, to say the least, unpopular.

Made up mostly of unpowered members, the non-profit was often written off as a fringe group of bitter “normals” who just needed a soap box to cry from. And maybe it served that purpose for some. However, in her public address, while a stoic Ms. Browning spoke of the organization’s many failures, she also made a point to highlight their few successes.

“Though it was not my intent,” she wrote “the H.R.P. became more of a support group for the traumatized than a social cause. All the rallies, speeches, and strikes blend into the din of memory to me. But what I do remember, and will always cherish, are the late night talks where we would cry, and listen, and hold one another. It was a haven for the unhappy. A haven that allowed us to escape the Utopia that destroyed our lives.”

A bit dramatic? Yes. Kind of sweet? Undoubtedly. Will they be missed? Well, you’ve probably already forgotten what this article was about, so you tell me.

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